By now, it should be clear that this blog is written by my “better self” - the one that is carefully observing my daily-self, identifying flaws, and recommending ways to live an improved life.
Like most people (and perhaps more than most), I dabble in doubt and at times even self-pity.
The spiral follows a common-pattern:
Downward:
An innocuous trigger plants a seed of doubt
The seed germinates… and I water it with more confirmatory evidence (humans are incredible at identifying patterns, including where none exists)
I casually wonder what I’m doing with my life
I decide to occupy myself with some “real / hard work” to keep my mind off the growing doubt
A fairly minor obstacle appears and my mind makes it out to be an insurmountable challenge
I grow dissatisfied with the outcomes I have, question the decisions I’ve made, etc.
I wonder why I’m mentally weak enough to go through this cycle again and again
I grow lethargic, stopping many of my positive habits
Upward:
After pondering on-and-off for hours (or sometimes days), I realize that life ultimately has no meaning and I’m freer than I think
I start looking for confirmation that my life is actually pretty good
With a new sense of gratitude and freedom, I resolve to be “high-quality” in all aspects of my life, because “I choose to be that person”
I look back positively at the experience of that doubt-cycle - “Hey I walked away with a realization” (humans are also very good at rationalizing)
I wish I could skip a few steps in the downward spiral and get right to the upward spiral. The realization that I don’t matter is key, but evasive. I experience it, like it, but eventually forget it. I never really internalize it.
I’m experimenting with a few ways of getting right to the upward leg:
Make and keep promises (e.g. the promise that I’ll post here once a week, but have neglected for several months; ergo this post)
Write when feeling anxious (again, ergo this post); somehow, in the process of writing, this realization comes up, usually towards the end of a post. I can never hit Publish or Send if I truly believe I matter.
Meditate - I don’t do this enough, but this usually comes through after about 15 mins.
Sleep - I do this enough :-) It’s not that I wake up with this realization right after a nap / good night of sleep, it’s that when I’m well rested, I usually retain the realization a little longer
It perhaps shouldn’t be surprising that the illusion of “mattering” adds weight to one’s life and diminishes one’s chances of living a satisfying life.
“If you make public disclosure of your conclusion, you’re pounding it into your own head.” - Charlie Munger, 1995 (source)
Munger meant it as a warning, but I hope that through this blog, I’ve said “I don’t matter” enough times to pound it into my own head.